i am a caterpillar who is yet to undergo metamorphosis while simultaneously undergoing rebirth and an awakening every 3-5 business days. i have progressed, transcended my old self even, but i am not yet in my end form.

it catches me on the train then walking down the stairs at london bridge. it hits me and i know that it’s happening again. i am more than my human form i am more than my material existence there is something within me that is divine and that will be my guide. i tap through the barrier and i forget everything i learnt until i’m alone again and i hear my heart beat and lungs breathe. it fills my veins once more and adrenaline twitches become snakes up and down my arms weaving amongst each other telling me i know who i am and why i am here. the caterpillar comes close to escaping her cocoon and emerging indigo.

i had to set a reminder on my phone saying ‘you are not better than everyone else all the time and you do not have to pretend to be’ to come up every weekday at 7am. i needed a safeguard so i won’t call in sick to work with a gut feeling that i will prosper no matter what as i am incapable of failure. every day i see the notification. some days my eyes roll at the egotistical woman who wrote it. other days i don’t want to be told who i am.

in years gone by i have flung myself across the country and each time i returned a different person. each time i came back with a vow to focus on what i see with my eyes and feel with my hands because i’m back in real life once more. i remember standing on the platform dressed all in white watching my train approach and i don’t remember what i was thinking. I would give anything to remember the conclusions i found which had once given me so much certainty. on one of these journeys to what i saw as absolution, i spent four hours coming back down the east coast. i knew i had found my answers on the outward trip, but i found myself wracking my brain to remember what i knew. i can never remember what i forced myself into knowing.

contrary to what i used to believe, i want to remember everything. for now in the dark i revisit my theories created on early commutes and it almost satisfies the ache of knowing there’s so much lost inside me. i need to remember everything, will it allow me to emerge indigo?

i dismiss the notifications in the early moving light. i will escape this ignorant chrysalis.