i’m plagued by the notion that i’m running out of time. running out of time for what? i still don’t know. i know what it’s not. it’s not material success i do not see an expiry date like one would print on a pack of blueberries on me for that. it’s not to find love either, relationships come and go when WhoeverWhatever is up there decides it’s time. another option would be appearance based concerns. this doesn’t resonate; i am outside of the reach of the standards dictated to me, they do not apply to this blood filled vessel of something i do not know yet. what am i running out of time for? maybe i should stop asking.

i won’t.

i know it was creeping up on me i don’t remember where it began i know it’s here now. unless i decode the puzzle it will probably always be there as i turn thirty, forty, fifty, sixty and so on. hours to days of soul searching provide little answers, more questions than answers. it’s in me and it’s made a comfy home. meditation reveals nothing. i try to pin down the root cause, going through all possible areas of life yet receive no certainty of what i’m supposedly running out of time for. what is it? i still don’t know.

i’m aware i have plenty of time, albeit the years move faster than they did a decade ago, however that’s to be expected. am i wasting my time and my years? again that question does not help me as i am certain i am not. as i wrote that last sentence i had a fleeting thought of something i want, it’s gone now, damned to live locked in my psyche till WhoeverWhatever is up there chooses to let me know it again. time is ticking i don’t have eternity to lament on what i’m meant to do.

a certainty i do have is that my time is not being wasted. my personal philosophy is that the ‘reason of life’ is to feel; i achieve this.

i know i’m not the only human who has this preoccupation, why is it here? i still don’t know. i echo an equalising question many ask. i have tried to figure the answer on pure instinct, my mind turns full of fragments. i cannot answer the question asked of me which is infuriating within itself.

am i meant to use the ‘feelings’ to understand more? i wonder if the answer does not actually exist, there is nothing i am running out of time for and it’s my own consciousness playing a trick on me for zero gain. there is no logical reason for her to do that, she is her i am me we have an agreement to operate in symbiosis. the answer does exist it’s not visible for reasons unbeknownst to me or is the answer to stop thinking about it?

easier said than done.