i would like to reincarnate without being aware of it, i envy those in a state of oblivion, i struggle to comprehend hell, and heaven terrifies me.

the idea of heaven brought me comfort up until i was around 7. then the concept of infinite life, even the most pleasurable of lives alongside the Holy Trinity unsettled me. the indistinct “admission criteria” troubles me. what do i have to do to be worthy and forgiven? the feeling genuine remorse is not quantifiable by humans, so i assume it would be the Holy Trinity’s decision. do i trust them? i do not trust them.

i think about the commands for genocide given by God, and the great flood to rid the earth of wickedness. i think about the cursing of the fig tree; it was not even the season for figs. Jesus made the tree wither, i assume its only crime was not providing for him. what could He have gained from slaughtering a tree?

i see it as an act of blind rage.

i do not consider those acting in such a manner, and those who would allow me to eternally suffer for (even accidentally) transgressing against them as possessing the judgement to make such calls on our fate. if i do not reach their unquantifiable and, quite frankly, unknown standard, i become damned. damned to what, exactly? we are told it is a place of forever suffering, with no possibility of escape, but we would not understand the true nature of these supposed horrors until we arrive.

if i’m being honest, spending the remainder of all conceivable time in one state is a hell in itself, even if there are pearly gates and an all loving Father watching over my every move. a place i detest the complete and utter longevity of would never be my divine paradise.

if i’m given the option, i would like my ashes thrown into the sea, to be dissolved in the water. once i become liquid, i evaporate into the air, my energy funnelled into its next vessel, whether that’s a human, animal or plant. or i could go the into rain, where i return into the sea and become absorbed into nature once more. i would not want to be aware of this. i don’t want to be conscious at all after i die. 

i’m sure having fancies such as these is a transgression in itself, yet i don’t attempt to change the course of my possible damnation. i won’t try to change what will happen when i die, it’s already decided for me. but i can’t help but wonder, why do i capitalise their names?